superwhinyselfspeaks:

carre kept me from doing any work last night, but only because i let her.

i got out of "this is what democracy looks like", indymedia's first big project and a documentary of the WTO protests in Seattle 5 years ago (wow - 1999), and called her because . . . the more i know, the more it sucks. the visions of what *they* want for us and our world are very, very scary. i needed a good hug. the best antidote to learning about the world's misery is a good hug, methinks. she was all, come over! and for some reason i went and watched a movie with her, something i rarely (ie, never) do. the terminal. i was not in the right mood for it. that girl will never see my tits, which is kind of sad.

depressed about the state of the world. acutely aware that my depression is not productive.

shitloads of work to do. hence the problem with not getting any done last night. yesterday i woke up feeling so productive and pumped. my k conf paper went from non-existant at noon on saturday to twelve pages long 36 hours later, which was pretty awesome. then i asked komozi and he wants it at least 20 pages, which is perfectly reasonable, but it means i have to write more. argh.

at least expectations are winding down in my other classes! i only have to go to econ 3 more times, and for one of those times, we're watching a movie! and i got all my classes for next semester, i already feel like a slacker: con law (speechless with excitement) , poetry with marie howe (who i hear is a genius), and spanish (woo).

my feminists are dead. we have not met in, well, god knows. the fluxies have taken over the compound, we're afraid to peek our heads out the door, i feel like this is a bust, i'm viscerally intensely upset by it, i don't even want to talk to anyone, that's how upset i am, and i'm normally what *some* people would call an "over-process-y lesbian" (term coming from the tendency of certain dykes to want to *process* how everyone *feels* about something before moving forward).

also, carre keeps calling me a dyke whenever i say anything sexual. not sure how i feel about this. i haven't claimed dyke as an identity yet. plus she says it in relation to me stating sexual desires. i don't want my desires to have to be queer to get recognized. this is where the straight part of me gets all indignant and huffy and stands up and says, feminine straight women can state their desires, too! you don't have to be a femme (big diff between feminine and femme), and queer and all that shit to own your desires! argh! (okay, i'm being a processy lesbian.) i've always *been* queer but i haven't always *seemed* queer (don't accuse me of running and hiding, neither). it was the straight part of me that made it first, that stood up and fought. it was men i first dressed in drag for and seduced and got reputations about. i did the whole straight girl thing, and did a good job. maybe some purist queers wouldn't or don't like that about me, and to them i say fuck you, or get on your knees and i'll teach you a thing or two about respect, bitch. (where *did* this new topping side of me come from?)

i guess i don't like being labeled a dyke because dykes can be a bit myopic about claiming ALL female sexual desire as dykey female desire. and that just discounts all my damn straightness i worked so hard for. i don't trust dykes to let me still want men.

the more queer i feel, the more straight i feel. luckily i like juxtapositions.

i like all positions.