some people are dumb

quoted from emily's blog: "is she crying?""yes, artie"(sigh)"how long will she be crying like that?""as long as it takes""should we try to stop her?""no, it's just what has to happen right now"-my parents.
wow, artie is real dumb sometimes. sometimes i can't believe he's been parenting for nearly twenty years now (yikes! i'm old!), and still something hasn't clicked. thank god he had daughters, his sons would have had no emotion whatsoever, and he would have been fine with that. thank god for brenda sometimes, i don't know how she puts up with it - and he started out much worse. he's come a long way. scary thought.

emily makes our lives sound more interesting and funny than i do.

i want to lurk everyone else's blog. i want to be like adam and blogstalk.

i'm very excited to return to school and have high speed internet again. dialup is killing me.

i want to write about and pine after the boys, the various boys. i wonder if it's easier to mourn someone when they're gone and alive or gone and dead. i bet em would say it's easier if they're dead. i'm not sure. death is unacceptable, but at least it lends a certain finality. it's very difficult to completely say goodbye to the living. i miss them. actually, i realize i don't miss the actual boys, i miss the myth surrounding them. i miss who they were, but that's not what they are now. what they are now is something . . . not helpful. they're assholes, and i don't know if they have been all along or if they've gotten worse or if i've just come to my senses. i want to call and rant and cry and bully them back into my life, bully them into caring about me, because i cared so much, i wasted so much time on them. damnit.

then there are the opera boys. how i love the opera boys in their lovely, ambiguous, adorable glory. i have more history than i'd like with some of them, i've made mistakes, they're all way more educated than me (even though a year younger and/or just graduated with the exception of ed, but ed is always the exception). mostly i like them because the banter is very, very different than the mind-deadening crap i experienced at capital. that's harsh. but it's nice to feel like everyone at the table understands my vocabulary. it's nice to not have thomas/todd/jeff calling me the human dictionary. to be surrounded by intelligent, funny people is really a blessing. sometimes capital felt kind of bleak, everyone struggling to survive - most of the kids weren't very "carefree". and sarahlawrence (doesn't it seem like one word?) is about fakery and seeming more intelligent than you actually are. the boys, the honest, dorky boys, are refreshing.

and ed. ed is the highest ranking male in my life, after my father. i'm a daddy's girl, i admit it. poor ed, i feel like i put him through so much ranting and whining. my life is ruled by women - mana, sarah and emily being my go-to girls when anything happens to me - but ed ranks right up there, and i love him for being so unwavering. i wish i knew how to do better by him. i wish i knew how to return the favor.