work sucks, i know

dear tour boys -
you're looking at a school that is 4 boyfriends, 6 gay guys, 1 rapist and 9 hipsters away from being an all-girls school. you appear normal, for being high school juniors, and you have academic interests. you seem like you have your shit together, and you mostly don't look like the skinny boys that are oh-so-common around here. get excited!! ask me questions! say SOMETHING, anything. don't just wander around behind me not speaking, not even to each other. yes, i'm female, and three or four years older than you, but come ON, you must have something to say. things i like, things i don't like, how males feel about the ratio. oy. maybe i just should've asked the other tour guide on duty to take you, as he's male. maybe you would've talked to him? or he could've given you a better feeling? i dunno, but man that was a crappy tour. thanks for telling me i was "thorough", but i would've rather had you talking. whatever, it was probably my first tour's fault, but you drove me to pringles anyway.
love, and imploring you to come here for the sake of future female students,
sarah

dear first tour,
dude, you suck. yes, you're rich, but you're VERY VERY conservative and there is no nice way to say this on tour but you CANNOT COME HERE. asking me how many "african american" (NOT minority, NOT students of color, because of course all non-whites are black) students we have? being concerned for my safety while i study abroad, and then telling me that your HOUSEKEEPER has a different view on the third world because she's from honduras? i don't even know where to start. no, we don't have a goddamn catholic group for students on campus. if you don't know what queer means, if i say "sexual minority students" and you NEED to clarify that i mean "homosexuals", this is not the place for you. likewise, if you feel the need to ask me if any of the men are heterosexual, this is not for you. your kid DOES NOT BELONG HERE. academically, she might fit in, and maybe some niggling doubts about her privilege will take hold, but personally we'll either rip her to shreds or she'll come out. either way, i was ingratiating, but we did NOT become friends on that tour. i don't like you, and it was this slimy lying feeling that i had because i could NOT make it clear to you that your student would NOT be comfortable here. please go away before you tell me more about how you had a house in atlanta that's since been turned into a country club. i might vomit all over your very expensive shoes. argh.

sarah


i quit.