guess who

please ask me who just asked for my digits after spending nearly two hours with me. please ask who laid her head down in my lap to be rubbed while asking what it takes to be a good person. please ask who just beat me at pool. who hugged me and left. who asked before smoking a cigarette if it would bug me. who, upon me remarking that i loved her, replied that the feeling was mutual. and called me cute and wonderful and gorgeous and amazing (suck up). and discussed my favorite subjects with me for an hour in the privacy of the pool room. please ask who asked when they can come to new mexico to see the land of no black people. and excused me from the question, "was i eroticizing them?" and concurred that so much of it is bullshit. and cataloged the range of her sex toy collection for me. please ask who, underneath the amazingincredibledoeverything facade, just admitted it takes her for-fucking-ever to do her homework, who wonders if she's an asshole in class just like us mere mortals. who said school is an indulgence. please ask me who said she needs to be in an open relationship, just for a little bit, because there are some people she MUST have sex with before she proposes. please ask. go ahead.

or do you already know?

she got me to spill the sluttiest things i have ever done (the eli story - response: "i wish i had your screenname"), and my insecurities about school, and homework and knowledge and my frustration with academia, and just how badly JB hurt me and why (and how it connects to david) in sixty minutes or so. (the JB thing hurts. it hurts now. i can't tell that story. some secrets i stay loyal to, even after i'm no longer loyal to the people.)

and i laid bare what there is to know about me - i'm knowledgeable and played the slutty girl for so long and had it lead to some fucked up shit and now i'm nervous about doing it still because i don't want to fuck things up like that again. and i've always been the smart girl. and we BOTH feel like we will never know enough. and tried to pick careers together.

quote of the evening: "you can tell me. i'm a recovering whore."

please tell me what this means. please tell me we can be friends. please tell me i can keep you, even if not in the way i originally thought i wanted to. please stay.