i love you i love you

i love you i love you. this is how Baby Kochamma began every diary entry for more than twenty years, writing those two words - sometimes just those two words - to her long lost priest whom she loved quite deeply. Ammu and the Twins would never know how the bitterness in her heart would change their lives. It had to do with the Love Laws, who could be loved, and how much.

if you haven't read the God of Small Things, go do it right now. you can borrow my copy.

i gave the last entry to my poetry teacher as a prose poem because the poem i wrote based on the entry sucked, so i just used the entry itself. she loved it. so thank you to thomas who pointed out to me what it was - sometimes the poet can't see the poem for the words. or something like that.

i would love to make a long-ass post about TWIL but i think everyone is bored, so i give up. suffice it to say we had a conversation where she tried to guess who it is i'm in love with. one of those conversations where the answer is obvious to both of you and neither works up the ovaries (as opposed to balls, because neither of us is male) to say it. but she knows. i still don't know the relationship/boyfriend status and was i smart enough to use this opportunity to find out? why no, i was not.

if you've met me, you probably know how easily i blush. i blushed for an hour and a half yesterday, through class and her talking to me. she was sitting next to me and grabbed a paper of mine and wrote, "are you dating someone?" from that point on i was no longer cognizant of the class's existence. my heart fell out of my toes.

we'll see. she kept touching me. (no, not quite like that, we were in public.) i know in the language of flirting everything she did was a good sign. fucking ambiguous boyfriend issue.

the Coming Out Dance (a.k.a. the naked drunken orgy at sarah's school all the boys are jealous of because of all the exposed boobies and lesbian action . . . mmm, lesbian action) is exactly one week from tomorrow. let's hope i get some lesbian action of my own.

this post came out much longer than i intended.