a beautiful song

"I Love You So Much It Hurts"

I love you so much it hurts me
Darlin', that's why I'm so blue
I'm so afraid to go to bed at night
I'm afraid of losing you.
I love so much it hurts me
And there's nothing I can do
I want to hold you, my dear, forever and ever
I love you so much it hurts me so.
I love you so much it hurts me
And there's nothing I can do
I want to hold you, my dear, forever and ever
I love you so much it hurts me so.

my favorite version of this song is by John Prine.

Dear Sarah,
i think you've dropped off the face of this earth. and i want you to come back, so very desperately. i'm sitting on a dress you would love, a dress you would understand, even if everyone else is like, why the hell did you buy that? it reminds me of the dress you wore for Much Ado, or maybe for prom junior year, maybe they were the same dress, the purple monstrosity, remember? these are the kinds of things we remember when we're in mourning. granted, mine is very temporary and i know that but it feels like forever, especially to someone as impatient as me. four months, i can do that. i'm sitting in a room you will never see, the second one in as many years. mana's the only one who's seen both ones, and my aunt. (mana's in a room i've never seen in a place i've only visited right now, too. you trump her, though, i've never been across the ocean. you win.) i can't believe you've been gone over a month by now. this is the longest we've probably gone without speaking or seeing one another since we've known each other, i think.

you won't read this, because i'm posting it on my blog and you don't read that and don't have the address because you're gone off the face of the earth. and i know you e-mailed adam awhile back and not me and it's possessive and unfair for me to be upset about that, but i am anyway. and i know i still have em and mana and jeana and a dozen other people i can call and talk to and vent at, but it's not the same. you and i, we're so alike. we're about as alike as . . . i would say me and emily, but personalitywise we might even be closer. and we share lotsa memories (allllll those jonnie parties . . . remember when we went there one morning to make sure no one was dead at the house and no one was there and ms. pena was looking for chaine?). we laugh at the same things - each other and ourselves. we remind each other that we don't have to be mature, and i feel like i have to be mature with everyone else.

i'm posting this on my blog which no one will comment on because they don't comment anyway and they especially don't on long entries which this is because i miss you but everyone says i'm a good writer, which is nice to hear but doesn't mean anything. i just didn't want to write about sex this time.

we're friends like emily and lisa, when we're upset we communicate in inside jokes to make each other happy. there aren't many people i speak secret languages with, and you're going to come home and maybe we'll have nothing to say to each other. but if we've come through everything else as friends, you can't come home and drop me, k? i was there when your boyfriend and you broke up (as was the rest of creation), and i told you about adam long after it happened and we can both hate maggie together now and we know why and david of course and angelica and you got soooo mad at me for the tim thing and we've both played with jonny and i've tried to encourage you to make choices that make you happy and i know things no one else knows. i know how scared you are, and of what.

i want to cry, there's so much pent up shit. and calling you was always a good way to get that done last year. we were both so unprepared, and so raw. it had only been 6 months when we moved, what did we know? and we'd both had quite the summer and you had quite the first year, i just played it safe like always (plus i kind of wanted a respite). but i miss you so terribly. i'll be in santa in october, and mana won't be there and you won't be there and jess won't be there and tina won't be there. the browns will be there. ugh. (at least emily, in all her glory, will be there.) but sarah, you get it. you get me. come home.
love
skipperdee
(remember how excited you were about that, me changing my name? it wasn't a soda-spitting moment, but that's just as well. i also want you to lecture me about nutrition. get your ass back across the pond.)