teenagerhood

i just spent an hour with the TWIL after our class was canceled. i listened to her discuss her latest endeavors to bring political awareness to campus. she's fighting the good fight, and willing to keep fighting. she's beautiful and aware and passionate.

she has a boyfriend. most definitely.

this revelation lent itself to another one - i haven't had a crush of this magnitude since i can't remember when. i've had little ones here and there, but i've either known nothing would happen (joanna) or it's been over quickly (my recent endeavors) or things have started happening very quickly so crushes haven't developed, they've just morphed into desire (don G). i'm not sure, it could just be the way i'm upset right now, but this might be my strongest crush since You Know Who - and we all know how that turned out (actually, most of you don't, but i'm reluctant to discuss it these days).

and i know everyone's going to say this is typical and this is how crushes are and this is life. to this i say: shut the fuck up. all of you have had relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. i have not. i've *maybe* dated someone once. that's it. my crushes are all i have. my crushes are what i rely on to indicate who my next fuck buddy should be. this crush is leading me astray. i only ever feel this way about people i need to have in my life, people who will teach me things i need to learn. being this attracted to someone usually has a reason.

and this one, something could definitely happen with her. if she were unattached. if i were great enough to make her want to be unattached or attached to me. something could happen and it would be awesome. but it won't. i've been the other woman multiple times, and after the last time, i am NOT doing that again. no. even if she wanted to, i wouldn't.

she hugged me, but i was sitting and she was standing, so i kinda got mashed into her chest. not that i minded. that was the part that made me want to inhale like i inhaled YKW's scent for so long. made me want to inhale like i was smoking something good.

she fights so hard. i just want to forsake all my fighting, small compared to hers, and lay on bed and sulk like the teenager i still am and listening to sappy music and write her poems.

okay, i already wrote her a poem. but still. that was before The Heartbreak.