litany

for sarah grace archibald:
upon the death of our third friend in four years
before either of us had turned twenty

I’m crying because I’m leaving my sister
I’m crying because my sister doesn’t live near me anymore
I’m crying because I want to make my plane
I’m crying because I don’t want to leave
and yes, I’m crying because one of my lovers is dead
yes I am crying for my friends
yes I am crying because shitty things happen to people
every day and there’s nothing I can do about it
I’m crying because I always wanted to be a mom and now I don’t know how I can do that
what if I’m so terrified something will happen to one of them that I never let them live

I’m crying because I never, ever want you to know
what this feeling is
I am crying because I know it is
universal and
intensely personal and
I hate it anyway.
I’m crying because this time I
can’t say, can’t believe, that
“this will never happen again”
I’m crying because I’m terrified.

I am so scared. not only for you
I am terrified on behalf of my friends
terrified of the thoughts that stalk us
terrified because we ask who’s next
and because we don’t know the answer but we suspect there is one
I’m terrified because my best friend and I made a list
of the 9 people who simply cannot die
if our family is to function
and there are some people who aren’t on it.
I’m terrified because death is stalking us and keeps getting closer and closer
and next time what if
I’m terrified of what if

don’t ask me why I’m crying.

it would take me hours to tell you.