unpredictable

mana's coming! woohoo! and in her words, we totally pulled a good cop/bad cop on a certain senator wall. i got to be bad cop.

something cute: maria clearing her throat before a sign language exercise.

something true: i just don't trust the universe right now.

i scared my spanish teacher when the only thing i piped up in class with was the correct conjugation of "they died."

i want to pierce my lip. lower off to the right. a small ring. i'll bite it all the time.

in light of this week i want a memorial tattoo. i need to incorporate both boys. i am open to suggestions on design, placement, etc, everything.

word of the day: im·pe·cu·ni·ous adj. Lacking money; penniless. See Synonyms at poor

before i forget i must give a shout-out to mana i've been meaning to give since i read this line. but i MUST say thank you for this:
"I love you for everything you are, even that which i am unfamiliar with."
the girl is a damn genius.

more letters:

dear little sister -
i never, ever wish this for you. please do not say you feel bad because you don't know what i'm going through; i don't WANT you to know what i'm going through. if there was anything i could do to keep you safe from this, i would. if my grief staves off your own somehow, then it is worth it. because this sucks so very hard, babe. i know i'm your big sister and you want to do everything i do, but trust me, you need to feel your own grief about this, not mine. please don't worry about me. i'll come through this because i have to.

i worry that this is making you question. the universe is still a good place. i hope. i'm not very trustful right now; i don't have a lot of faith. you always had more than me. i don't want you to lose faith. yes, my friends and i have been through a lot. and all of it has strengthened our ties to each other; it has given us perspective. these are poor excuses but they are the explanations i need in this unfair world. i'm sorry it's all i can offer you, dear. i can't tell you i turn to god, or that i know why this happened, or that this happened because i hang out with people who are more likely to die. i don't KNOW why this happens, but it has and we have to deal with it. i'm sorry you have to deal with it too, sorry i brought you in to this by making you hang out with my friends. if i'd known you'd be helping them grieve and acting as a surrogate me and feeling so in-over-your-head i might have chosen differently. but i have faith in you; i chose the right deputy.

i love you. don't worry about me. take care of yourself. your big sister is coming home soon to lead the way. love you so much, babe.

thank you for writing what you wrote; it was very powerful. it reduced us all to tears. it is also a scathing indictment of a god who would do this to us. you said it more eloquently than i can.

love, your big sister

ps thank you for calling me every day. thank you for asking if there's anyone i'd like you to check in on. thank you thank you so much. i'm sorry i have to lean on you, but i have to, and you're the only best friend i have who's heart isn't being ripped out *quite* as badly as mine right now.


universe -
let me get this straight. i had a friend die junior year, 2002, who was 16. car accident. then in 2003 an 18 year old friend died, different kind of accident. now, in 2005, a 20 year old friend dies, skiing accident. all the death anniversaries fall within ONE WEEK. one calendar week. feb 24, march 3, and now feb 27 right in between them.

i'm noticing a pattern. when 22 rolls around, everything better be copacetic, fucker.

i can't even comment on how unspeakably fucked up that is.

i won't even mention how you took first one of tim's best friends, and then the other. two years apart. or how you took tina's mother freshmen year of high school, then three of her very best friends in succession.

i hate you.

(and PS i hate trying to reassure my little sister this earth is still a good place to live and cursing it with the same breath. but i don't know what else to do. i want her to have the faith i lack.)