MOTHERFUCKINGGODDAMNIT I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT

MOTHERFUCKING FUCK HOW THE FUCK CAN THIS FUCKING HAPPEN THIS IS SOOOOOOO GODDAMN FUCKED UP.

GODFUCKINGDAMNIT THERE IS NO MOTHERFUCKING GOD BECAUSE IN A JUST UNIVERSE THIS WOULDN'T FUCKING HAPPEN.

best friends shouldn't die. and one best friend, who survives the other's death, should not die two years and three days later. NOT FUCKING FAIR, YOU GODDAMN TWO-FACED UNIVERSE. NO FUCKING FAIR.

i want it to be not true. i want it SOOOOOOOOO to not be true. unfortunately even phillip christopher brooks isn't fucked up enough to lie to me about something like that. these are the times when two-year-old ties, when the people who comforted me then are the ones who will comfort me now, fuck my newly-made friends, they don't know what this is and can't handle it and my old friendships go deeper anyway. what the fuck? i've just been sentenced to at least a week of flashbacks, disbelief and tears.

how THE FUCK can this happen to my extended community? HOW THE FUCK????? how the fuck is this fair?

tim, and adam, and JB, and sarah, and mana, and me and gerard and mike, pray for us. pray for us in this unfair, unholy universe.

we knew. we all fucking knew. you pay for the good times with bad. and we could all FEEL that things were just going too well, could FEEL that something was wrong. i want SO BADLY to not believe this, want it to be the MOST FUCKED UP JOKE THAT WAS EVER TOLD TO A GROUP OF TEENAGERS JUST TRYING TO STUMBLE THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT TOO MANY PEOPLE GETTING HURT.

fuck you, god. fuck you, humanism. fuck you, buddha. fuck EVERYTHING!!!!! HOW THE FUCK COULD THIS HAPPEN?????

I CAN'T EVEN COMPREHEND IT.

what now? a fucking band using both their initials? what now? maybe we should just change the name of the band whenever someone else dies. i DO NOT WANT to write the letter i just wrote to DAC to someone else every two years. motherfucker. jonathan micah reeves. johnny, who's nickname i just learned to spell properly two weeks ago. HOW THE FUCK? out of the triplets, one is left. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, PICK US OFF ONE BY ONE EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS?????

please please please please please let it be a lie. let it be a huge lie. please. i'd rather hate whoever started a brush fire of gossip forever than have jonathan be gone. please. let me beat up the person who started the rumor, but let jonny be alive, let him return to his tiny one room house and his kitten. i'll do anything.