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"Life sucks, get a fuckin' helmet!" - Jonathan Micah Reeves, myspace quotation

for small griefs you shout, but for big griefs you whisper or say nothing.
the big griefs must be borne alone, inside.
hal borland

and one more time just because:
Honor the brave who fought,
Honor the dead who fell,
Honor the world they saved.

* * * * *

okay, i am now teary.

not much new to report. numb hours pass. i haven't eaten a real meal in almost 36 hours, i've just had tons of sugar, but shockingly no caffeine except a cup of black tea. and i slept 4 hours and napped a half hour. i am neither tired nor hungry, but wired. the body is a strange animal.

mana and i want to be home so badly we can both feel it. there is a physical ache in my body like none i have ever known. this next week til i fly might just be one of the hardest of my life. i know yall are reading but if someone wants to drop me a comment, i'd really feel much better. don't know why, i'm just obsessing over the blog right now. need something to focus on.

right now i am holding in the anger for fear of exploding. but trust me, it is there. and it is dangerous. and i can feel it and i am frightened. i know that i am very, very strong. i worry about misdirecting that energy or not knowing how to direct it at all. part of me will be angry at him, and that could be dangerous too.

but when i need to remember why i am angry, i will remember what i told ed:
do you know what that kid came through? in a nutshell, he survived abuse, third degree burns on most of his legs as a freshmen in high school, his father's total rejection of him and absence from his life, alcoholism, and the death of his best friend. but he fucking survived. not to mention the cosmic coincidence involved. i mean, look at a calendar - david and angelica were exactly a week apart and now he falls squarely between them. it's horrendous.

it's offensive to my sense of . . . everything.

* * * * *

writing from earlier today:

i will be okay. whatever malicious forces there are in the universe that are testing my family this way, they're not getting the best of me. tonight i'm buying a plane ticket for next tuesday. don't know how i'm going to stick it out another week, but this week i have classes and such to distract me and this weekend my wife is coming down from boston. she flies out of LGA sunday night and i follow on tuesday. so if i can get to friday i will be okay, or at least with someone who understands completely.

also, ylime is acting as my minion, thank god. she's my eyes right now and checking in on the people i'm really worried about in santa. [everyone's invited to my house some night for food and hanging out, just to be in a different space, you all knew that already, yes? good. it's silly to keep inviting you home when you're family anyway.]

dear whoever or whatever is doing this fucked up shit to me and my friends -
still fucking hate you. you fucker. fuck you.

dear weather -
snowing right now is a-okay. snowing a week from now, not okay. please please please please please do not storm sunday or tuesday of next week. my wife and i need to get home for a funeral and some mourning. everyone i talk to wants me home. i want me home. ditto my wife. please please please behave and let us fly home - we promise not to enjoy it, we're just going so we can cry with people we love instead of by ourselves. please. i have never wanted to be anywhere so badly as i want to be in santa fe right now. every time i talk to someone about coming home or make plans for it, i cry. i am crying now. please let me get there safely - my extended family can't handle anymore. please.