bring the pain

my body is sore. stress-sore, like i'm about to get those full-blown pains i get along my collarbone and shoulders. my hands are tingling. i am alone in my dorm room. less than 36 hours and i crash and burn into santa, both good and bad.

but before that, two things:
1) first time in prison (nope, not the name of my forthcoming primere adult release)
2) con law midterm (which i plan on failing horrendously)
(these two thoughts, along with thoughts about bobby, are good distractions.)

today i went to a child's birthday party. he clapped every time people clapped on the CD that was playing. he was angelic and perfect. rich parents talked about applications for obscenely expensive private preschools that feed into the right prep schools.

children still clap, sarah. you yourself drank wine today and rode the subway. people still eat pussy pops - vagina shaped chocolates, for the unintiated. little sarah and i were talking about how numb we feel. mana and i too. it hasn't hit us. we are still talking in the present tense. like he's here. everytime mana listed who she wants to see while home both of us had to bite our tongues to stop his name from coming out.

it had better hit. my current theory is, when i am in the brown house where i never expected to go again, hugging JB who i never expected to touch again, seeing phil and morgan and people i never expected to see again, it will hit.

but little sarah still has a deep-down awful feeling all the time. and really, so do i. i'm flashing back to telling thomas how i hope he never has to go through something like this, and how it was true. even completely numb, even so unfeeling it scares me, this still manages to hurt more than i'd ever imagined. if you've never experienced it i sincerely feel you don't, at least not for a very long time.

the most terrible words in the english language right now are: who's next?

our way of checking in with people now goes like this: how are you, life still sucking? yeah me too. okay, glad we cleared that up. carry on.

my sense of humor has gotten very, very morbid.

i'm in a hole. someone build me a fucking ladder.

i can't reread. i want to, but i can't reread tim's blog post or JB's email (he sent out a fucking email . . . he felt it was necessary to send out a fucking email), or anything else, even though i know it's there. i'm pretending. god wednesday is going to suck so very hard.

i still do not trust the universe. everyone be safe.