you never play with your blog anymore

it's true, i never blog anymore. work, hang out with friends, eat, play house with my mom, have various existential crises, mourn, worry, shop, get pedicures, flirt with boys, miss boys, reminisce - when is there time for blogging? if i'm going to be boring, may as well be boring in real life, right? may as well be boring sitting on the punk rocks, walking up to the cross of the martyrs, than in my silly room getting frustrated by dialup and listening to mice in the walls.

i miss carre adams a whole lot. carre's very good at forcing me to be honest, and putting me in my (intellectual) place. i need both those things.

i am worried. i am worried about all the usual - my future and all the things i worry about, you know what i mean, finding love, picking a passion, having children, the meaning of life, et cetera et cetera - but there are other things.

i worry about letting my summer slip away. it is half gone and i don't know where it went. i owe my sister a graduation present, a birthday present and i don't know what to get her. i ALWAYS get my sister the best presents - she likes what i give her the best. this is merely a symptom of the larger problems in our relationship, which i won't gore out here, just know that there is a fundamental shift going on. my family, my protestant there-are-no-problems-here denial ridden clan, is going to "talk to someone" about it. it's that bad.

i worry about intellectually shutting down in the summer. even though wise people tell me over and over, this is your time to rest and rejuvenate. you need it. over the next two years, you will need it. even though the very people comforting me about this are the people who themselves never ever take a break. but yes, i feel like i'm in a holding pattern and i don't like that, but i do trust my life for the next two years and i am getting smarter and santa fe and i aren't quite done yet. i'm already nervous about next summer.

i'm going to chicago. to visit one He Who Shall Not Be Named. and it will be good.

i worry about adam davis more than you could comprehend, i worry about yama and about mana worrying about yama, i still think about jonathan all the time and expect him to be around, and i've dreamt about david twice.

i worry about sarah.

if i trusted my sister, i would worry about her. actually, i worry about her anyway.

i miss tracy and maria. and carre, did i mention carre?

i'm actually cleaning my room voluntarily. i feel so different now. even though i know the same boys i've known for years, it's like new relationships with all of them. aaron has changed, bobby has changed, phil has changed, WE have changed. sarah and mana have changed. i don't know WHAT my relationship with ed is anymore, but i have a newfound affection - not love, but genuine affection - for thomas.

but even though all of this sounds so serious, i am having a good summer. a slower one, perhaps, but a good one. mana and i are doing better, even though i still wish she would slow down, she's doing better now than she used to. and i'm trying not to be jealous, even though it's a bigger challenge for me than most.

on a lighthearted note, i made out with two different boys this week and flirted with two others.

i bought a new sex toy.

and i am reading . . .
dun dun DUN
the new book by the author of cunt!!

yes, inga muscio, one of my all-time favorite women, finally got her ass together and put out her second book, which i snatched up and am currently devouring, because i want to surround myself with people as real and optimistic as inga, and because i want to BE her, and i because she made me love the word cunt. and her. did i mention i love inga muscio?

seriously, everyone should read Autobiography of a Blue-Eyed Devil. if you ever hated or loved history class, or found it completely boring, this book is for you.

now if only i could taste.
coming soon: The Day My Mother Found The Sex Toys and Other Silly Stories (yup, it's true)