1300 mile bootycall, yall

i did. i went. it was good. not like that, you pervert. i may have finally learned the lesson that's been five years in coming - it's not a certain boy's fault he didn't fall in love with me. what was he supposed to do? lie? fake it? that wouldn't have worked out any better, and he never lied about it. being the best sex of his life won't make him fall in love with me either (not saying i am, just saying i've made an effort). really nothing will, and he can't change how he feels about something that basic. i can't hold a grudge against him for that. well, i can, and i have for a while, but i don't see much point in it now.

it's funny, he asked why Em doesn't like him (i mean, he knows, but he wanted to know, ya know?), and i think it might actually be because my sister thinks if he'd made an honest woman of me from the beginning maybe i would've avoided being such a 'ho, which never has sat very well with her (the fact that i'm a ho, not that he didn't make an honest woman of me). which is a funny thought, but there might just be something to it. anyway, aside from the fact that she has heard, you know, LOTS of negative things about him for a long time, which is understandable to everyone.

anyway, on my last day there, i wanted to ask him questions i knew would hurt his feelings (or maybe not. that boy is the most inscrutable, self-contained human being i've ever known. more so than gerard, even). so, being me, i decided to find out what was behind this impulse before i started a fight right as i was about to leave. not surprisingly, i figured out i just wanted to beat him up some more for not loving me. um, same battle i've been fighting for so long, that's right. same one. well, i asked myself, now is that productive? no, ma'am. so why do you still want to beat him up for it?

and then i realized.

the boy can be an asshole. a distant, non-communicative, secretive asshole. but. he is honest. he does not lie to me about his feelings or preferences. he has offered me good sex, and, eventually, a really important friendship. he has offered me comfort when i have needed it. he has made me feel sexy. how long am i going to focus on the faults of both of us and our relationship and not just be damn grateful the man i gave my virginity to didn't leave me pregnant or remove himself from my life but, instead, stayed around and helped me figure out some stuff about myself? damn, girl.

sarah grace, don't look at me like that. i know you know a thing or two about distant, uncommunicative boys who are completely lovable, so don't you even give me that. it just took me longer to learn, okay?

did i know this before? seriously, guys, have i said anything like this before? cause it feels like a revelation. really.