note to self: CTFO

i declare this week officially begins fall in new york, specifically on my campus. i want it to be beautiful, to cool off, for me to figure out some cute ways to pair summer stuff and heavier stuff (patterned black stockings under skirts, maybe?), i want the leaves to change color ever so slowly and to not feel ridiculous for wanting a cup of tea. because really, fall here is so beautiful. and it reminds me so much of my childhood - i just end up wanting to buy colored pencils (because art supplies always hold the promise when you buy them that you will someday have the time and talent to use them, and use them well). and maybe fall will calm me the fuck down.


because i have been stressed as hell.

- my poetry teacher probably thinks i'm stupid. (i am NOT being deliriously paranoid, it was a nightmare first conference, i felt so stupid, but i swear i would have been more prepared if he hadn't sprung a time change on me!) and the poems i've been writing really won't help his impression. maybe taking a workshop this semester was a mistake.

- i cannot do prison, due to my own fuckup, and i just . . . don't not get what i want very often, i don't think i make un-fixable mistakes very often, and this just sucks. i hate it when i suck, and i do suck.

- fighting fighting fighting anger anger anger, none of it misdirected, most of it misunderstood.

- still the horrible awful no good very bad feeling of "what SHALL i do with my life?" which is plaguing me and i have no way to figure it out and don't know how to get pointed in the right direction. and, um, everyone i talk to feels the exact same way which makes me very frightened that it's a general malaise and we'll turn into those horribly average losers that have been fodder for so many "gen X" films (reality bites comes to mind) and man would that suck. miserable averageness is the most depressing thing in the world. which brings me to my next item.

- spent the weekend at my aunt's and visiting my cousin at villanova. my aunt is stuck in a miserable, loveless marriage and i HATEHATEHATE her husband in a way i can barely explain except to say it is only the thought of prison that keeps me from doing him physical harm. i loathe this man. and my grandparents are . . . miserable. suffice it to say, it was the perfect example of horrible averageness all weekend, and it just made me so terrified. and glad that i'm single, if that's what being coupled is.

- i am being an ass, generally, specifically in relation to a couple of people, and i don't particularly want to work very hard to fix it. no, i want to curl into a ball and be held and watch movies, i want to order takeout and laugh while i eat it, i want to go back to chicago where i didn 't have to think about things, but i most certainly do not want to do scary things or behave myself or work to be social or get my schoolwork done. none of that appeals to me. leaving school and never coming back appeals to me, buying a plane ticket to anywhere but here appeals to me, telling people what assholes i think they are appeals to me, but functioning as a normal human being, accepting the fact that i am average, and getting on with it DOES NOT APPEAL TO ME. it simply doesn't. i want to say go fuck yourself, but i don't know who to.

- i miss my family and i want to cry. one would think, as a junior in college, i would have gotten over this by now. i want to go home. i'm exhausted. how can i already need R&R, how can getting off campus for a weekend have made me feel like i need a vacation? but i'm stressed and exhausted and all i want is to cry.