vagina doctor

*disclaimer: this post is hilarious if you can get past the subject matter.*

fuck fuck fuck i'm freaking the fuck out.

so i went to the vagina doctor today, and i was thinking, hmm, i'm going to write a post about this, because i have friends who've never been (or haven't been in a long time) to the vagina doctor, some of whom have vaginas, and they should know what it's like (regardless of anatomy) because people freak the hell out about the vagina doctor.

i like the vagina doctor in principle and theory - vagina doctors are Very Important. anyone who's had heterosexual sex (or wants to, or has had a pregnancy scare) should understand the importance of the vagina doctor. (gynecologist, for all you squares. *not saying people who don't engage in hetero sex shouldn't be interested in 'gina docs, just saying they're the most obvious population who'd be concerned, especially among teenagers.) in actuality, i LOATHE the vagina doctor and my appointments with them, though i think it is very important to say the vagina doctor is not NEARLY as scary as people who've never been think they are. the things they do to you are yucky, but not nearly as bad as the imagining what they're going to do to you.

so i'm having this fine lil train of thought chugging along, dutifully pulling out my List of Vagina-Related Questions (you're supposed to make one before you go so, in the moment, you don't forget all), and pondering how this visit is taking longer than it should. then they pop in and ask if they can get a urine sample from me. i've been getting annual exams for 4 years now, and never having been asked for urine that wasn't in connection with a pregnancy test (and knowing i'm not pregnant because i peed in a cup for these people 3 weeks ago and then commenced bleeding), i think Something Is Up.

so i pee in the cup, and calm myself down by thinking how boys have such an advantage when it comes to peeing in cups, and freak myself out thinking how It Has Finally Happened, I Have an STD Because I'm a Slut and A Bad Girl and This Is What Happens To Bad Girls. i trot in with my urine sample and sit down and chew on some ice. the doctor stands in front of me. "have you ever had a yeast infection?" oh thank fucking god. yeast is fine. yeast is not sexually transmitted, everyone gets yeast infections, they do fucking commercials on teevee about it, i can handle that! (i had no idea anything was wrong with me. yeah, i'm in touch with my body.)

so we talk about that and it's cool. and then, somehow, someone brings up my family history (diabetes, both sides). "have you been thirsty lately?" the power of suggestion, eh? all of a sudden my brain is like, yesihavebeenthirstylatelyohmygodi'msick AAAAHHHHH!!! I PEE ALL THE TIME!!!! I'VE GOT DIABETES!!!! then the doc says to the woman doing my tests to "run a glucose sample on that, too." glucose? glucose means SUGAR!!!! sugar means DIABETES!!!!!! (as you can tell, this doc wasn't really impressing me with her bedside manner while i was freakingthefuckout and she was the good one. yes, i got TWO vagina doctors, one of whom didn't know what she was doing, so of course SHE was the one wielding the speculum. that's a whole 'nother story. suffice it to say i NEVER want to hear another male complain about having to bend over and cough, given what my poor cunt just went through.)

so anyway, we're sure it's nothing, just checking because elevated yeast can be an early sign of diabetes. or it can just mean you have a working cunt and you're alive. seriously, the range is that broad. i'm getting blood tests for diabetes on wednesday. oh, and they're checking my cholesterol, also because of family history (because the doc was like, who has diabetes, your father? and i said, no, he's the one with high cholesterol. damn me and my big mouth). isn't that awesome? woohoo. i want to be cool with it, not be such a fucking hypochrondriac. but i am. i always have been. i'm a worst case scenario kind of girl. argh.