the meanest thing i've ever written

**this is cross-posted with my livejournal. this is the last nasty thing i will post there, b/c it is nearly completely an SLC audience, and i don't want to perpetuate the crap around here. so, any venting necessary will be done on this blog from here on out. this is me sinking to her level for a time, writing about it so i don't actually do it. it was prompted by her saying i looked like hagrid, and Boy telling me about it.**



you know what's a party? apparently, every day, there is a new insult about me. being posted in the IMer profile. what doesn't make a lot of sense is that i am blocked from viewing this IMer profile.

how stupid ARE you, have you never been in a goddamn catfight before? you SUCK at this. you know what that means, don't you?

that means i don't KNOW about the insults until YOUR ex-boyfriend - yup, that's right, the one you spent 11 months of your life with, the one you gave your virginity to, yup that's the one - until he tells me about them while i'm laying in bed with him. and he usually starts out by saying i'm beautiful. uh-huh. beautiful. and then he tells me whatever your new bullshit is. man, this plan is working out GREAT, huh? you really showed me! what with that boy in my arms and the compliments coming my way rapid fire, i am WELL on my way to suffering JUST AS MUCH AS YOU. this makes perfect sense!

why didn't I think of this, act like a huge gigantic bitch, and do my best to drive him back into YOUR arms? silly, silly me. there is so much i can learn from you. please, keep on teaching.

because ultimately, i will win. i will have the boy, and not be burdened with the knowledge that, you know, i became his surrogate mother. it will not be my job to scold him, but just to enjoy his company. and i will enjoy it. without having to use him as a barrier against my own insecurities, without relying on him for emotional support, just for the pure joy of his company. i will not be left clawing at his ghost or trying to inflict pain on anyone else who thinks he's great too.

and, to accomplish this, i will not devote my time to approaching you or staring at you. i will not try to get my friends to focus their negativity on you, either. i will not spend any portion of my day devoted to creating more misery in this world. i will not bother talking about how much you suck when you won't even know the conversation took place. in short, i will not do things that make me look like a big gigantic loser (a sore one, at that) who cannot let go, who is acting pathetic, who is behaving as though she is a fraction of her age. i left the hell of junior high long ago, and i am sure as fuck not going back for the likes of you.

so, congratulations. you know your strengths and i know mine. you focus all that misery, all that impotence, all that hatred within yourself, and then go ahead and share with me. i'm happy, sweetheart. with or without your boy, i will be okay. if i get to keep him in my life, get to know him as a person, and watch him grow into whatever he's about to become now that he's by himself, that will be awesome. but i know i'm loved, and pretty, and a decent human being - no need to prove it or keep someone around to affirm it. you do what you have to, darlin. i hope someday you feel okay.