sleep naked!

the cincinnatti airport isn't in cincinnatti. it's not even in fucking ohio. (it's in fucking kentucky, and i will be there tomorrow.)

for those of you who didn't get to see my away message:
cost of quinacrine sterilization, assuming you already have an IUD inserter handy: $5
number of women who have been sterilized this way worldwide: 100,000 and counting
number of regulatory agencies in the world that have found this method medically sound and ethical: 0
number of pages it took me to prove that this is bad: 23.5
being done with komozi's motherfucking bitch of a paper: priceless

and now, an ode to naked naps. (which i invented, patent pending.)

naked naps are what happens when you wake up with no particular timetable for the day, putter around a bit in your jammies or robe, and eventually, lackadaisically, wander off in the direction of a shower. you then turn the heat up real high (actually, this should be done pre-shower to make sure your room is toasty), and crawl back into bed. naked. warm. cuddly. sleepy.

they are the Best. Thing. Ever. being warm is great. being clean is great. being naked for no apparent reason can be great. having nothing to do is great. sleeping is fucking awesome. put all these things together, and my friend you are one quart of ice cream short of paradise. also, naked naps involve reading. that's what you do before you fall asleep (why, what were YOU thinking?). and not anything heavy, either, unless you're engrossed in a great novel. naked nap reading should be fluffy - entertainment weekly, sports illustrated, an anna maxted book. the heat should be up so high you might catch on fire - naked naps originated in the winter, but you can do them in summer, sans heat, obviously.

you cannot just take off your clothes and climb into bed. that is cheating. the shower, the warmth, the wet hair that dries against your pillow - these are all key parts of the naked nap. also, for it to be a true naked nap, it should be alone, at least until you're good at it - otherwise it's just a thinly veiled excuse for sex, which is fine, just don't call it a naked nap because you aren't sleeping. also, i don't think naked naps can be done in a twin bed. i just don't have much faith. but then, i haven't really tried. it's an awesome way to kill a saturday, though. it's mostly a saturday morning activity, come to think of it. (one variant is to get up and go to yoga/pilates/dance/karate unshowered, come home and shower and return to bed, though usually pilates leaves me feeling energized and productive. anyway.)

so there ya go. if you don't have roommates, if you live alone, if you're happy and you know it, try a naked nap. i plan on doing it a LOT this break if i can, meaning when jess and emily aren't sleeping in my room. best thing ever!

to toil is human, to procrastinate divine

sorry yall, i've been wordy lately. the internet is knitter's porn, i tell you. all the pretty yarn . . . ooh. i need a knitting mentor and i need to diversify to something more complicated than a scarf, otherwise i'll get bored and quit. i have this gray yarn i think would make a perfect felted hat . . . not that i know how to felt, purl, or knit a hat-like shape.

anyway. aside from that, here is my main form of procrastination right now, lifted directly from Big Poppa E's livejournal. (i insist on pronouncing "meme" like the spanish "bebe" - ie, mem-meh. this is incorrect, it should sound more like "meem".)

that meme of threes that's going around now

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. grand high cunt (yes really)
2. sarita
3. sarahpants (stop calling me by my GODDAMN LAST NAME. i am NOT A BASKETBALL PLAYER. THANK YOU.)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. poetsego
2. bs376
3. (it's a secret)
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. the way i listen (i try to do a good job of it)
2. my ability to introspect (emily always says it's a plus)
3. my belly and my eyes, especially the way the left one crosses when i roll them
+ my laugh
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my neediness - i still kinda think it undermines my independence
2. my fear
3. when my toenails get too long but i'm too stubborn to cut them because i want a pedicure so i have godzillatoes
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. spanish by way of puerto rico (woohoo conquerors)
2. russian jew (go greatgrandma go. i hope i inherited her inner spirit and strength)
3. french and irish
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. EVERYTHING
2. the fact that my first answer is both more pessimistic than i try to be and, um, semi-true
3. the prospect of something happening to ylime
+ other people; namely thundercunt
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. tooth brushing
2. the internet (only while i'm at school)
3. ink pens (a woman said this to me on the phone today: hol' on, lemme get un ink-pen)
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. two rings on my left hand.
2. The Comfy Bra. it's been Comfy Bra week around here.
3. inadequate socks
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1.
2. question omitted for being too damn common
3.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment):
1.
2. question omitted for being too damn common
3.
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. knitting something other than a scarf. purling. learning to read a knitting pattern.
2. speaking spanish outside an academic setting - ie, actually speaking spanish.
3. getting out of the country for awhile. maybe nicaragua spring break?
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. sexual chemisty. otherwise why bother?
2. honesty.
3. support, appreciation for my particular brand of crazy.
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. i think overpopulation is a serious issue in the world today but do not believe coercive government action is the best method to curtailing it
2. i think producers of hate speech are automatically guilty of a hate crime and deserve prosecution
3. i spent the first three years of my life on an Army base
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. the way someone uses their hands, the way they fidget, what their body does when it's at rest
2. the way they handle things they love - car, lighter, etc. if someone were watching me they would notice they way i am constantly fiddling with pens, marking the tips of my fingers with ink, studying the way it trails my skin
3. eye contact
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. understand daylight savings time
2. learn knitting out of a book
3. explain neoclassical economics
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. knitting
2. grammar
3. politics
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. leave the library and be done with conference work
2. sit around and eat crappy food and knit and talk with friends
3. go the hell home
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. poet
2. mama
3. diety
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. chile
2. spain (rendered null if i study there)
3. australia, maybe?
THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. caleb
2. isabelle
3. after that, the significant other (if there is one) can weigh in. if i bear the kid, i have final say on its name(s). we can arm wrestle or take turns over who gets to name the adopted ones.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. make something with my own two hands. i haven't decided yet if crafts count. but gerard builds airplanes for a living, mana builds sets, my parents have ripped apart and rebuilt house interiors, my mother sculpts and paints, my father landscapes, together they build ramadas and patioes.
2. learn the army alphabet from artie, who i kind of hope is the last family member to enter the military (alpha bravo charlie delta echo foxtrot gamma hotel indigo)
3. bear a child
THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. jess, because she just might do it
2. ylime, because she *could* do it, and if she doesn't i can tickle her until she does
3. gerard, because i said so and he likes me.

like i can steal it

*note: i have tried to make this shorter. sorry.*

climbing up the hill from bates midnight breakfast, i remember where i was one year ago: amazed that the semester had passed, although it hadn't been as quick. i'd survived. still very much tied to santa fe. i was one of the only ones who had left at that point.

still very tied to JB and Phil and the Brown house crew . . . still emotionally wounded over "the david thing", which i continued to saw and hack at in my writing, which wasn't really doing me any good - a real example of "great emotion doesn't always lead to great writing" . . .

one year ago i returned to my triple while everyone else was still at bates. (like most parties, i left early.) i called home - i am still as attached to my family as i was then. i am co-dependent. maybe it's just that good families, with really nice people in them, take longer to break away from than mean ones who you want to leave almost from day one. i had some packing to finish and planned to stay up the entire night. i had a plane to catch first thing tomorrow morning.

now i'm staying to the end of the week and i don't feel ready to leave. not because i'm not excited to go home - the prospect of the next month of lolling about fills me with joyous anticipation - but because i don't know if i've done enough here.

like maybe if i stay longer i'll get more done. like i'll be a different person. like if i stay long enough the magic and genius of this place will seep into me and i will walk away glowing. like all the smart people will rub off. like all the gorgeous people will look more plain if i stay long enough and start to look and think like them. like i can steal it.

but i go home. to safe. home to memory. home to lolling about. home to be always a wonderful writer with good ideas. home to an uncritiqued existence. home to easy.

and wonder if i will ever go anyplace hard. and scared of the feeling that i will spend 80% of my life planning the other 20%. terrified that school is the wayside. terrified that my life will be a series of pit stops with no open road between.

terrified that i will never find the courage to change the world. not caring if it's cheesy, but frightened i'll remain convinced it's too big. terrified i'll never articulate and coalesce that which bothers me, because right now it is so many disparate strands. scared that my ten dollar vocabulary will never amount to anything of value.

it is strange to realize one is typical, but here, i am: i am one of those students who wanders the campus, whom you see occasionally, who's studying their own program and doing their own thing. i am not special. not one of the slc elites. people attach no words to me - not snob, not hipster, not dyke, not dancer, not theater, not drunk, not cokehead, not funny, not queer, not anything. i am defined by whose company i am in, and often i am alone. this has not been my life in five years or so, and it is strange to re-enter. i don't like it. i'd rather be anything than nothing. yet i am not charismatic.

what i imagine of myself and what i actually am are so far apart. i cannot remember the last time this was true.

i feel like i'm just starting out again. i'm just starting to mold myself to become what i envision. but i am impatient.

i want simple things for myself - i want to be fun and popular. (i've never been that. this is all too strange.) i want to have my cell phone ring. i want people to ask if i'm coming when they go wherever they go. i want to not have to make plans. i want to feel as beautiful as some people say i am. i want to be honest. i want to be short-winded. i want to write with strength. i want to have something to write about. i want to be interesting. maybe that's where the hard work lies. only i am responsible for how interesting i am or not, not the timeline of my life.

i want to be as knowing as i act. i want to have stories to tell. i want to get out of here. this little world gets stuffy sometimes; i need to leave. i want to throw caution to the wind, perform rituals in the kitchen at night, tattoo my body. really what i want is to fall in love. that would encompass all my ritual-performing, caution-ignoring impulses. i want to damn my mother for being so practical, even though i'm old enough to decide to be impractical.

it's not practicality: it's fear. it's constantly weighing and measuring and living my life that way. it's having a plan. it's not ever abandoning anything to go out and live. it's convincing myself that life is a circle of friends to waste hours with. and it's not.

it's wanting to get out of my life so badly and being scared that if i leave no one will be around when i get back.

it's all fear. and letting it rule my life. and realizing that fear rules so many people around me. and those whom it doesn't rule are the people i admire most. they are also the people who i know have worked the hardest, but in my impatience i don't see work. and i have so much to learn. i have so far to travel. the greatest lesson of my life, the one i will learn over and over, is patience. these are choices i have made, i am living them out, and i can change them.

i don't even know what i want next.

to toil is human, to procrastinate divine

sorry yall, i've been wordy lately. the internet is knitter's porn, i tell you. all the pretty yarn . . . ooh. i need a knitting mentor and i need to diversify to something more complicated than a scarf, otherwise i'll get bored and quit. i have this gray yarn i think would make a perfect felted hat . . . not that i know how to felt, purl, or knit a hat-like shape.

anyway. aside from that, here is my main form of procrastination right now, lifted directly from Big Poppa E's livejournal. (i insist on pronouncing "meme" like the spanish "bebe" - ie, mem-meh. this is incorrect, it should sound more like "meem".)

that meme of threes that's going around now

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. grand high cunt (yes really)
2. sarita
3. sarahpants (stop calling me by my GODDAMN LAST NAME. i am NOT A BASKETBALL PLAYER. THANK YOU.)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. poetsego
2. bs376
3. (it's a secret)
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. the way i listen (i try to do a good job of it)
2. my ability to introspect (emily always says it's a plus)
3. my belly and my eyes, especially the way the left one crosses when i roll them
+ my laugh
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my neediness - i still kinda think it undermines my independence
2. my fear
3. when my toenails get too long but i'm too stubborn to cut them because i want a pedicure so i have godzillatoes
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. spanish by way of puerto rico (woohoo conquerors)
2. russian jew (go greatgrandma go. i hope i inherited her inner spirit and strength)
3. french and irish
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. EVERYTHING
2. the fact that my first answer is both more pessimistic than i try to be and, um, semi-true
3. the prospect of something happening to ylime
+ other people; namely thundercunt
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. tooth brushing
2. the internet (only while i'm at school)
3. ink pens (a woman said this to me on the phone today: hol' on, lemme get un ink-pen)
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. two rings on my left hand.
2. The Comfy Bra. it's been Comfy Bra week around here.
3. inadequate socks
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1.
2. question omitted for being too damn common
3.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment):
1.
2. question omitted for being too damn common
3.
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. knitting something other than a scarf. purling. learning to read a knitting pattern.
2. speaking spanish outside an academic setting - ie, actually speaking spanish.
3. getting out of the country for awhile. maybe nicaragua spring break?
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. sexual chemisty. otherwise why bother?
2. honesty.
3. support, appreciation for my particular brand of crazy.
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. i think overpopulation is a serious issue in the world today but do not believe coercive government action is the best method to curtailing it
2. i think producers of hate speech are automatically guilty of a hate crime and deserve prosecution
3. i spent the first three years of my life on an Army base
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. the way someone uses their hands, the way they fidget, what their body does when it's at rest
2. the way they handle things they love - car, lighter, etc. if someone were watching me they would notice they way i am constantly fiddling with pens, marking the tips of my fingers with ink, studying the way it trails my skin
3. eye contact
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. understand daylight savings time
2. learn knitting out of a book
3. explain neoclassical economics
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. knitting
2. grammar
3. politics
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. leave the library and be done with conference work
2. sit around and eat crappy food and knit and talk with friends
3. go the hell home
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING: * i put mine in ascending order.
1. poet
2. mama
3. diety
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. chile
2. spain (rendered null if i study there)
3. australia, maybe?
THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. caleb
2. isabelle
3. after that, the significant other (if there is one) can weigh in. if i bear the kid, i have final say on its name(s). we can arm wrestle or take turns over who gets to name the adopted ones.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. make something with my own two hands. i haven't decided yet if crafts count. but gerard builds airplanes for a living, mana builds sets, my parents have ripped apart and rebuilt house interiors, my mother sculpts and paints, my father landscapes, together they build ramadas and patioes.
2. learn the army alphabet from artie, who i kind of hope is the last family member to enter the military (alpha bravo charlie delta echo foxtrot gamma hotel indigo)
3. bear a child
THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. jess, because she just might do it
2. ylime, because she *could* do it, and if she doesn't i can tickle her until she does
3. gerard, because i said so and he likes me.

happy conference week!

i'm breaking out. not seriously, but still. i never break out, not since, um, sophomore year of high school (thanks to a drug that's actually now be recommended to be taken off the market. i was excited to hear that, lemme tell ya). my normally clear-as-a-bell skin has a couple of blemishes. i am shallow enough for this to be a minor annoyance. not that anyone who's not me would even notice.

i broke a plate. one of the plates my parents bought me last year, i think in october. it was a set of four, with green borders and an off-white swirl. it was a good plate - didn't even shatter when it broke. i miss momma; ceramics make me think of her, especially since my first thought was, hmm, should i use this in a mosaic?
i am trying not to take this as a sign. even if it is one, i don't know what it means.

i only have to go to economics twice more!!

i got mytunes and went bat shit crazy, which is also my new favorite phrase.

how bored was i? i counted my underwear. yep. again.
i have 33 pairs of underwear, not including 4 v-strings. i think it's time for a purge, no? it's a sign when only half your socks (also a ridiculous amount of them) can fit in the drawer if all your underwear is put away. not to mention room for sleepwear. oy. which reminds me, i need a total lingerie overhaul. woot.

the sweet girls on my hall gave me a scarf! aww!

joe gallegos facebook friended me. weird.
i can't tell if rio hates me or not, but i love her chapbook.

NO ONE has a christmas present yet. i'm not kidding. okay, i may have knit a scarf or two. don't worry, they're probably not for you.

if emily gets in to pitzer AND slc, which is quite likely, i will experience a crisis - to counsel her as a good big sister, or a selfish girl who wants all her best friends to come live with her?

you know it's conference week if:
i am wearing sweatpants. in public.
alison keohane is wearing pants.

oh, and this is just for thomas, because i'm pretty sure it's related to that random movie "miracle" he's so devoted to:
someone in the SLC library posted a banner made of notebook paper. each sheet has a letter on it, and the text reads "MIRACLES HAPPEN HERE", which is cute and probably uplifting for the library inmates. there are literally people who do not leave the lib the last couple weeks of school; some of them are starting to smell.

"Don’t get it right, get it written." best advice ever. close runner-up: Done is way more awesome than perfect.
Write. Now. Write.

as far as my actual conference work: I want to throw up. The weird shit men spend time thinking up to do to our bodies. The creepy, weird-ass shit they will devote their lives to, the wacked-out theories they will come up with, the bullshit they will try to sell. Are they serious? This shit doesn’t make any sense. A woman’s reproductive system is more complex than a man’s, yet we’ve spent decades and millions figuring out how to stop ovulation. Why? Seriously, dude, this whole womb-envy theory gains more and more credibility with me.

one of my favorite things in the world

Why I Play With My Cunt
by Lovechild 93
Originally appeared in the pages of Brat Attack #4.
Reprinted in QN Issue #6

BECAUSE I WAS NOT BREASTFED · BECAUSE MY CRIB WAS PADDED AND I LIKE THE FEEL OF STEEL · BECAUSE I WAS SPANKED BY MY BABYSITTER · BECAUSE THE KIDS USED TO CALL ME HALF-BREED · BECAUSE MY FATHER IGNORED ME AND MY MOTHER FUCKED THE BOTTLE · BECAUSE MY BROTHER JERKED OFF TO AUNT JAMIMA · BECAUSE MY DOG WAS KEPT IN BONDAGE TIL THE DAY HE DIED · BECAUSE A WHITEBOY TOOK MY VIRGINITY · BECAUSE I WAS NEVER TAUGHT HOMOSEXUALITY IN HEALTH CLASS · BECAUSE THE SANDMAN WAS A LESBIAN · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE MY PERIOD FEELS LIKE A BULLFIGHT · BECAUSE I HATE THE SMELL OF PORK · BECAUSE I LOVE THE TASTE OF PUSSY · BECAUSE I CAN'T FIST MY OWN ASSHOLE · BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS · BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE A BABY WHEN I SHAVE IT · BECAUSE MY PLATFORM HEEL WON'T FIT INSIDE · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE MY VIBRATOR ISN'T POWERFUL ENOUGH · BECAUSE TRANSSEXUALS TURN ME THE FUCK ON · BECAUSE SCENES FROM CALIGULA RUN THROUGH MY HEAD · BECAUSE CINDERELLA WASN'T MY SLAVE · BECAUSE IT THROBS LIKE A DICK · BECAUSE I SLEEP ALONE · BECAUSE OF THE QUESTION OF DEATH · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE FRIDAY FOSTER SAYS I'M A PERVERT · BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF TREE VIRGINS IN HORSETAILS · BECAUSE MY DOUBLE-DONG WAS STOLEN · BECAUSE I SMOKED MY LAST CIGARETTE · BECAUSE I WANT TO SPIT-SHINE PRINCE'S BOOTS · BECAUSE I HATE SLOPPY BLOW-JOBS · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE VIRGINS · BECAUSE I CAN'T GIVE THE GOVERNMENT AN ENEMA · BECAUSE WHORES BECAME EXPENSIVE · BECAUSE I HATE THE THOUGHT OF CLOTHING · BECAUSE I'M THE BORDERLINE OF A DYKE AND A BOY · BECAUSE I WANT TO BE SADDDLED AND TRAINED LIKE A HORSE · BECAUSE SLAVERY WAS IN MY ROOTS AND I THIRST S&M · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE I CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH PUSSY · BECAUSE THE SOUND OF A WOMAN'S VOICE OVER THE PHONE · BECAUSE WHEN IT'S WET IT GLAZES MY FINGERS · BECAUSE I WANT TO BE GANG-BANGED BY FEMALE INMATES · BECAUSE I WANT TO FUCK FOR FOOD AND WATER · BECAUSE I WASN'T BORN IN A CHASTITY BELT · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE I LIKE TO WORK MY PUSSY · BECAUSE I WAS BORN A BITCH · BECAUSE I LIKE MORE THAN ONE ORGASM · BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' TO ANYONE · BECAUSE IN MY MIND I CAN BE FUCKING ANYONE I WANT · BECAUSE IT'S HEALTHY · BECAUSE I'M A VAIN BITCH AND ONLY I KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF...

one of my favorite things in the world

reprinted without permission. i originally heard this at SLC's own vagina cabaret, "sarah's vagina" last year.

Why I Play With My Cunt
by Lovechild 93
Originally appeared in the pages of Brat Attack #4.
Reprinted in QN Issue #6

BECAUSE I WAS NOT BREASTFED · BECAUSE MY CRIB WAS PADDED AND I LIKE THE FEEL OF STEEL · BECAUSE I WAS SPANKED BY MY BABYSITTER · BECAUSE THE KIDS USED TO CALL ME HALF-BREED · BECAUSE MY FATHER IGNORED ME AND MY MOTHER FUCKED THE BOTTLE · BECAUSE MY BROTHER JERKED OFF TO AUNT JAMIMA · BECAUSE MY DOG WAS KEPT IN BONDAGE TIL THE DAY HE DIED · BECAUSE A WHITEBOY TOOK MY VIRGINITY · BECAUSE I WAS NEVER TAUGHT HOMOSEXUALITY IN HEALTH CLASS · BECAUSE THE SANDMAN WAS A LESBIAN · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE MY PERIOD FEELS LIKE A BULLFIGHT · BECAUSE I HATE THE SMELL OF PORK · BECAUSE I LOVE THE TASTE OF PUSSY · BECAUSE I CAN'T FIST MY OWN ASSHOLE · BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS · BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE A BABY WHEN I SHAVE IT · BECAUSE MY PLATFORM HEEL WON'T FIT INSIDE · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE MY VIBRATOR ISN'T POWERFUL ENOUGH · BECAUSE TRANSSEXUALS TURN ME THE FUCK ON · BECAUSE SCENES FROM CALIGULA RUN THROUGH MY HEAD · BECAUSE CINDERELLA WASN'T MY SLAVE · BECAUSE IT THROBS LIKE A DICK · BECAUSE I SLEEP ALONE · BECAUSE OF THE QUESTION OF DEATH · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE FRIDAY FOSTER SAYS I'M A PERVERT · BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF TREE VIRGINS IN HORSETAILS · BECAUSE MY DOUBLE-DONG WAS STOLEN · BECAUSE I SMOKED MY LAST CIGARETTE · BECAUSE I WANT TO SPIT-SHINE PRINCE'S BOOTS · BECAUSE I HATE SLOPPY BLOW-JOBS · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE VIRGINS · BECAUSE I CAN'T GIVE THE GOVERNMENT AN ENEMA · BECAUSE WHORES BECAME EXPENSIVE · BECAUSE I HATE THE THOUGHT OF CLOTHING · BECAUSE I'M THE BORDERLINE OF A DYKE AND A BOY · BECAUSE I WANT TO BE SADDDLED AND TRAINED LIKE A HORSE · BECAUSE SLAVERY WAS IN MY ROOTS AND I THIRST S&M · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE I CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH PUSSY · BECAUSE THE SOUND OF A WOMAN'S VOICE OVER THE PHONE · BECAUSE WHEN IT'S WET IT GLAZES MY FINGERS · BECAUSE I WANT TO BE GANG-BANGED BY FEMALE INMATES · BECAUSE I WANT TO FUCK FOR FOOD AND WATER · BECAUSE I WASN'T BORN IN A CHASTITY BELT · BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD · BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH · BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION · BECAUSE I LIKE TO WORK MY PUSSY · BECAUSE I WAS BORN A BITCH · BECAUSE I LIKE MORE THAN ONE ORGASM · BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' TO ANYONE · BECAUSE IN MY MIND I CAN BE FUCKING ANYONE I WANT · BECAUSE IT'S HEALTHY · BECAUSE I'M A VAIN BITCH AND ONLY I KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF...

happy fucking friday

happy international human rights day, everyone!

no, it's not supposed to mean anything. not if you're american! what's that you say? "darfur"? god bless you! and god bless america! oh, you meant a place? never heard of it. huh? iraq? oh, eye-rack. yes, great things we're doing there. liberation takes a long time. abu-huh? nope, not a problem. just a frat hazing. you know, kids drink too much beer at MIT, we put some hoods on some infidels in the middle east. tomaytoe tomahto, kids. make sure to wave that american flag and smile big! big brother is watching! no, i don't think america holds any political prisoners within its borders, we put them all in cuba, where they belong with the bad communists. no, i don't know who leonard peltier is. mumia? oh, yeah, he's the one rage against the machine sings about. good kids, those rage kids. so sad they broke up.

wanna send a letter, a real actual snail mail letter, to a man who's in prison because he doesn't want to go back to vietnam - oops, iraq! if so, click the link: http://sdmcp.org/ and scroll down. he's already been and apparently that whole forcing democracy on people by razing their houses thing is working as well in baghdad as it is in palestine! looks like a nice guy, though, that Camilo Mejia, too bad the liberals got to him with their propaganda and convinced him going to jail would be better than killing women and children (don't even fucking think of tangling with me on this FACT, because it is indeed well documented).

okay, i'll stop writing in that voice, it's a little singsong for my taste though obviously i could continue. want a real interesting thing to read, check out http://www.amnesty.org/ for their newest campaign on women and war. rape is a war tactic - in every war that has ever been there has been rape. to rape literally plants the seed of the invader in the wombs of a people.

thomas posted poetry on my blog. not sure what to make of that, and he doesn't go to slc so i can't chalk it up to conference week.

i'm just curious, of my guy friends who read this, how many of you are registered for the draft? i know there won't be one. but i didn't have to register and probably never will so i'm curious because i haven't done it. in fact, technically i CAN'T do it. i don't plan on yelling at you or anything. gerard? ed? kyle? thomas? bueller?

on a more lighthearted note: pet peeve of right now - bad or lazy spelling. if you're IMing me and can't bother to put TWO FUCKING LETTERS in front of the letter "u", those two letters being Y and O, don't fucking bother asking me about my day, okay? unless you're on your cell phone, typing on those is annoying. but otherwise. it doesn't make you hip hop or punk rock or anything other than fucking annoying. remember how we all made fun of avril for the atrocity that was sk8ter boi? (here i refer to the travesty against syntax, not the "song" itself.) and yes, i am aware that this is passive aggressive of me. but at least i'm spelling out entire words.

though i do draw the line at capitalization.

(one last thing, DO NOT ASK how the paper is going. just DON'T DO IT. i try not to poke you in your stab wounds, ya lot of bleeding ninnies, so leave mine alone and i'll lick them in peace.)

no comment

conversation with ed:

Jukar5: having fun? enjoying the college experience?
poetsego: i want to go home. i'm tired. i miss my wife and sarah and emily dearly. i need to have a good cry
poetsego: i spent a large part of my day in a funk. i have 15 pages out of 20-25 written.
poetsego: i'll be okay.
Jukar5: I'll throw you a big party.
poetsego: i need to get fucked
Jukar5: with ponies.
Jukar5: okay, there's only so much a party can do.

superwhinyselfspeaks:

carre kept me from doing any work last night, but only because i let her.

i got out of "this is what democracy looks like", indymedia's first big project and a documentary of the WTO protests in Seattle 5 years ago (wow - 1999), and called her because . . . the more i know, the more it sucks. the visions of what *they* want for us and our world are very, very scary. i needed a good hug. the best antidote to learning about the world's misery is a good hug, methinks. she was all, come over! and for some reason i went and watched a movie with her, something i rarely (ie, never) do. the terminal. i was not in the right mood for it. that girl will never see my tits, which is kind of sad.

depressed about the state of the world. acutely aware that my depression is not productive.

shitloads of work to do. hence the problem with not getting any done last night. yesterday i woke up feeling so productive and pumped. my k conf paper went from non-existant at noon on saturday to twelve pages long 36 hours later, which was pretty awesome. then i asked komozi and he wants it at least 20 pages, which is perfectly reasonable, but it means i have to write more. argh.

at least expectations are winding down in my other classes! i only have to go to econ 3 more times, and for one of those times, we're watching a movie! and i got all my classes for next semester, i already feel like a slacker: con law (speechless with excitement) , poetry with marie howe (who i hear is a genius), and spanish (woo).

my feminists are dead. we have not met in, well, god knows. the fluxies have taken over the compound, we're afraid to peek our heads out the door, i feel like this is a bust, i'm viscerally intensely upset by it, i don't even want to talk to anyone, that's how upset i am, and i'm normally what *some* people would call an "over-process-y lesbian" (term coming from the tendency of certain dykes to want to *process* how everyone *feels* about something before moving forward).

also, carre keeps calling me a dyke whenever i say anything sexual. not sure how i feel about this. i haven't claimed dyke as an identity yet. plus she says it in relation to me stating sexual desires. i don't want my desires to have to be queer to get recognized. this is where the straight part of me gets all indignant and huffy and stands up and says, feminine straight women can state their desires, too! you don't have to be a femme (big diff between feminine and femme), and queer and all that shit to own your desires! argh! (okay, i'm being a processy lesbian.) i've always *been* queer but i haven't always *seemed* queer (don't accuse me of running and hiding, neither). it was the straight part of me that made it first, that stood up and fought. it was men i first dressed in drag for and seduced and got reputations about. i did the whole straight girl thing, and did a good job. maybe some purist queers wouldn't or don't like that about me, and to them i say fuck you, or get on your knees and i'll teach you a thing or two about respect, bitch. (where *did* this new topping side of me come from?)

i guess i don't like being labeled a dyke because dykes can be a bit myopic about claiming ALL female sexual desire as dykey female desire. and that just discounts all my damn straightness i worked so hard for. i don't trust dykes to let me still want men.

the more queer i feel, the more straight i feel. luckily i like juxtapositions.

i like all positions.

books

if you could recommend like 2 or 3 books to somone right now, what would they be?

1. Cunt, Inga Muscio (for everyone who has one or knows someone who does)
2. Fast Food Nation, Eric Schlosser (both as an economics text and a social commentary)
3. Real Live Nude Girl, Carol Queen (this is my number one sex text. theory-bound yet still yummy)

also The Ethical Slut, Dossie Easton - but i can't recommend that as i haven't read it yet myself. but it's on my Imminent Reading list, which means as soon as i crawl out from under the semester it will be mine. as will Gender Outlaw, Kate Bornstein - i'm so excited about reading this book i can barely tell you.

other new reading list items: The Disability Rights Movement: From Charity to Confrontation, Dora Zames Fletcher (heard about it last night). Autobiography of a Face, Lucy Grealy - not new, but i shall read it over break. and i shall cry.

for people who need a beautiful love story: Still Life With Woodpecker or Jitterbug Perfume, Tom Robbins. (if you want to know Carre's spirit animal - Villa Incognito, the first section at least, also by Robbins)

for people who need a bittersweet love story: By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, Paulo Coelho.

for people who need to be reminded to follow their paths in life: The Alchemist, Coelho.

if you need a good cry: Paula, Isabel Allende.

anytime you need a careful, well-crafted story: Ceremony, Leslie Marmon Silko or The God of Small Things, Arundhati Roy.

i could continue, but there's an even 15 to get you started. (only 4 of which i haven't read. hmm. don't worry, my list of books to read is much longer than this.)

link

one of the links, the most important, didn't work in the last entry. fixed:
http://oldpoetry.com/poetry/6258

week in review

no, i don't care that it is only wednesday.

this week we learned:

• one conference can make tuition worth it.
• i am a better poet now than i was three months ago.
• i resist writing dialogue no matter what medium i'm writing.
• but i write great endings to my poems and not-so-good endings to nearly every other form.
• we learned 250 year old dead trees smell bad.
• sometimes socks are more important than underwear, especially when you want to keep warm.
• honesty, like meditation or happiness, must be practiced every day.
• sarah can survive carre adams.
• if i had to pick one group to discriminate aginst, it would be smokers, because at least it would be healthy discrimination. them, and people who are allergic to nuts and spend time doing things like lobbying airlines to get rid of in-flight peanuts. guys, i'm one of you, and i say: get over it.
• never send rice to do the job of oatmeal.
• facebook is just wrong.
• big poppa e is my new patron saint. (thank you mana.)
• i am in the midst of a love affair with grammar. one colon really does make all the difference, yall!
• if i am jamming to an alysson light song (alyssonlight.com - you won't be sorry. i go to school with this girl.) and eating salt, it must be conference time.
• i am always much stronger and smarter than i think. that is why there are people in this world like mana and carre (and maria and jeana and tracy and ed) to remind me. and even tina sometimes.
• i am making much better decisions now in regards to certain people than ever before.
• ben is right not to sleep with me. i love him dearly.
• if you write "food" when you mean "allsup's chimichangas", a good poetry teacher will call you on it.
• everyone who has ever loved, or written, or thought they had a lover, should read andre breton's "freedom of love" - the most beautiful imagery in one poem i've ever seen. (http://http://oldpoetry.com/poetry/6258) (kyle, you should read this.)
• and even though thomas will have a shitfit, rumsfeld & tenet and co are possibly being indicted for war crimes in germany and you can send a letter in support of it: http://www.ccr-ny.org/v2/whatsnew/action/actionAlert2.asp

this is the most links i've ever put in a post. whatever. enjoy. love ya.