what it is

okay, so here's what's really bothering me.

(for those of you who don't know, i've been hemming and hawing over whether to spend money i *really* don't have to go to chicago for thanksgiving. now that you're all caught up . . . )

one of jonathan's last myspace blogger posts was "the joys of poordom." and i keep thinking about that. and it keeps reminding me that money is not important. even if i had an extra grand in my pockets going to central america, i don't think it would vastly alter my experience there.

and, and. look where money got jonathan, a part of me argues. part of me is terrified that i won't see *this* boy again, at least certainly not for a long, long time. like, all of 2006 and probably beyond. i'm going to have to start living my own life sometime, right? my family is scattered, this year, more than ever before, and it's only going to get worse with sean graduating and various people interning and graduating and whatnot and sarah moving. and once mana and sarah and em are flung to the far reaches of the globe, chicago will not be high on my priority list. and i don't want to lose this kid. i didn't get to say enough of a goodbye in august. that's what it is. i'm scared, and the rollercoaster is just starting to crest the first peak, just about to take off.

according to me, this is how we live, my friends. no money, ever, but happy. jonathan spent two whole paychecks on those goddamn skis.

and part of me, always, is terrified. what if i don't go and regret it? don't tell me it's farfetched, because obviously it isn't. if it's buying a cute shirt in guatemala versus regret for the rest of my life for not going, the choice is obvious.