hermit

i feel like i'm failing college. and i love this place academically, and as an institution, and i love my teachers, and i even like my shitty student jobs. but . . . the people not so much. it's the same thing everyone says about sarah lawrence. alums talk about the faculty here, not the kids. there aren't any people here i'm really close to, and the ones i could get close to, i don't know how to approach. i don't know how much of that is the SLC atmosphere and how much is me, but it sucks. and it makes me very, very nervous for the rest of my life. i have awesome friends now, but i would like to grow at some point. i feel like i'm unhealthily pulled to santa, to people related to santa, to all things new mexican . . . it's beautiful here, but i see a picture of the southwest sky and man i just want to be HOME. and i don't like feeling like i'm not completely committed to my life here. it's one of my least favorite qualities about myself. this sucks. i don't want to live in the future and the past, but i keep forgetting that. i suck.

in keeping with my theme, i am very excited to be in chicago in less than three weeks. i'm also looking forward to this semester being over . . . and so scared for my interpersonal skills while abroad. what's wrong with me? i can't make connections with human beings! WTF? i feel seriously socially inept. and i feel like anyone i talk to will just make me feel worse and/or give me crappy advice, or remind me that i have non-slc friends. i am a failure. (i'm also my mother. she kept in touch casually with two people from college, besides my father. less, really.)

i don't want to be in school anymore, and i hate that feeling because i know i'm a fucking broken record. i wish i could take time off, but i can't, due to family financial constraints. (i mean, i could, but then if i wanted to finish college i'd have to go to UNM, which is not a compromise i'm willing to make.)

fuck.