nostalgia

i'm not in love with you. you were never in love with me. this fact is reaffirmed by the fact that i haven't written about you in a very long time. it's a fact that you can tell when i'm about to be un-fucked-up over you, that i summon you telepathically. yes, i do, in a way that is creepy in its accuracy (that word doesn't look right).

but i do miss some things. if freedom is not having any responsibilities, i miss the freedom of high school. i miss having my biggest worries be enough gas in my tank to get to see you, not getting caught, and not falling asleep at my job. i miss driving through the streets of a town i know so well, so inside and out, at night, racing boys, adrenaline, feeling like this was life.

man i miss those nights. i miss leaving eldo at top speed for town after escaping the house and curfew negotiations. i miss my drying curls, revived after the day in the ponytail and tits popping out of my tank top. i miss my stomach's nervous rumbling whenever i got near you or you called or drove by.

hours spent in that basement, with boys i trusted. hours of beer and movies and video games and witty banter i knew i was smarter than but i didn't care because i finally had a group. believing they all wanted me, going to bed with enough of them to prove it.

the same old cliche bullshit. buying condoms at gas stations. waiting for the pregnancy stick to turn blue. the bottom dropping out of the stomach (even when the stick wasn't blue). the things we told each other, in the dark, half naked, holding on to the precious vulnerability we'd summoned by sleeping together. trying to be honest. it all sounded like lies anyway.

i was never your first choice, but i did fucking get to you. i got to you in ways you didn't want me to. i got to you as much as you got to me, you're just harder than me so you don't have to admit it. but we know: i mattered to you.

i love you still. but i can't. not anymore. i can't do this to myself, can't be your second choice no matter how much i love you, no matter how good either of us is in bed (and we are good, aren't we?). can't have someone who can't even admit he cares about me, who i can't even tell how i feel. can't play the games anymore.

so i guess this is just to remind me what i already know: i said goodbye to you a long time ago.

5 poems and a problem

i have five poems and a problem.

i am thankful for airlines, language, ribbon, knitting, fake yellow roses that remind me I Have Potential (i need to make a shirt that says that. and another that says "made with hippie love" and "i survived a triple"). i am thankful for jessica writing about the kind of friendship we all need to have.

i am thankful i went to texas in the 11th grade, that i moved to new mexico before the 6th.

i am thankful i do not turn green or purple when i lie.

i am thankful for birth control, and thankful that someday, i will probably be able to have children more or less as i choose. (ok, so this likelihood is due to the fact that i'm middle class and have white skin and may end up raising children with a man. i didn't say i liked the reasons behind it or that i won't fight like hell to make sure everyone has the same chances i do.)

back to the poems: i need 10 pages by friday. i have, maybe, six that are decent right now. hmm. do i have anything i can show suzanne?

also, i want persis to read my komozi conference paper right before i drop her like a hot potato. is that a jade's trick? ("you always end with a jade's trick. i know you of old." - beatrice, from B&B - aka much ado - by shakespeare)

i am thankful that i cry so much. it reminds me of important things. i am thankful for the opportunities afforded to me by absent, trusting parents (my own and others). i am thankful i lived with audra, from whom i learned much by observation.

i am thankful to me: for being so smart, for figuring things out once in a while, for making choices most people didn't make, for coming through different things smarter and stronger. for being a good foundation. for being wrong, for being crazy, for being awesome enough to win the affection of women (and i few men) i admire.

exactly three weeks

til i fly home. oh, shit.

a note about the last entry: it's a ratio, yall. it's a countdown (or as em so brilliantly termed it, a "cuntdown". speaking of, let's plan a cuntual for the next time we're all in santa, no?). it's like the twelve days of christmas in reverse: 10 things to know about you, 9 whatevers, so we have to read less as we go on, so by the end we only have to read about one person you're thinking about. neat, huh?

i wrote a poem about a dead baby and e-mailed it to mana. for some reason, i think this is hilarious and i know the sick people i associate with will think that too. and no, jeana, you can't read it.

random quotes!
It’s worse than a one-testicle moment because I care about these people. - ylime

In a perfect world, we'd end up together. Or at least sleep with each other. - carre, aka TWIL

countdown

i love this. *warning: subject to change without notice.*

10: things about me

i love bare feet, i miss playing softball, i believe almost all poetry is cliche and that which isn't is transcendant, i change my mind every 3 minutes, i am surrounded by beautiful women, i miss having red toenails, my eyes are a beautiful shade of green, i am 5'6" and one quarter, i have wanted to be a judge since i was 5 or 6 and this is not a lie, i sometimes wonder if my sister is actually my twin

9: places visited

mexico, the corner store, a lake, the highways under a full moon more times than i can count, my sister's blog more often than she updates, the pub, the library, jeana's house, and wall drug

8: things to do

wonder why my family was full of assimilationist whores two generations back, my spanish homework, pack for thanksgiving, spring registration, more conference work for komozi, write more poetry, figure out this race thing, come up with a plan to save the world and invent a new religion in the process

7: ways to my heart

love children. be enthusiastic about food and sleep. dance or sing really well. write for me. pursue me. keep an open mind. understand that you do not have to agree in order to love.

6: things I believe in

poetry. and love. always. and art. and my mother, who has always taken risks in order to be an authentic person and is making her way in the world as best she can. that "all music is holy." myself.

5: fears

that i will never try the great adventure that is a relationship. spiders. getting a tattoo and regretting it. regrets in general. taking risks and other people.

4: favorite things in my room right now

my fake yellow roses. my picture of artie in his office, with the kid's arts projects and pictures of me and em as babies just out of sight so he looks professional. my bed bath and beyond tapestry. all my journals.

3: things done every day

tooth-brushing. book-contemplating. future-planning.

2: things i'm trying not to do

spanish homework and thinking about registering for new classes.

1: person you're thinking about

sarah, who is across as ocean and whom i haven't heard call me "my love" in a very long time.

two words: tree funeral

i just went to a tree funeral. i'm still processing - not the loss of the tree, but the fact that i live in and love a place that held a funeral for a plant. (you can bet your ass that wasn't in michael renger's job description when they interviewed him: arranging tree funerals. he pulled through like a champ, though. and the poetry reading by dean green was beautiful. and the SLC president was in attendance, i shit you not.)

amy goodman just said, "i'd like to give a shout-out."

if you discover the secret of poetry, let me know. my scholars and scribes haven't found it. sometimes the egalitarian nature of workshop doesn't really reassure me - this art thing really is quite the crapshoot. man i need dean hubbard's class. restore my faith in art. please.

fallujah. *shudder* the blowback will be awe-inspiring. which reminds me, i should finish that book.

i miss having someone to obsess with/over. how sad is that? still, i'd rather have that figured out than be freaked out over an old, old ex and not knowing why i couldn't let them go.

still poor. still not feeling very smart or like i have any answers.

still feeling powerless. fuck the power. fight the power. i think i just stole that from a POSSE flyer.

fuck gender too. i should rant about that. i feel, i am, androgynous. most of the time. that sums it up. and i want to read kate bornstein. my christmas present to me.

need to e-mail sarah.

i'm not in boston seeing mana. pooh.

would like to find someone to fall in love with. to sum up: if you find my love or the secret of life (or maybe just art), please do tell.

in the meantime i'll be writing tree eulogies.

tree hugging, part II

Subject: The Westland's Great Oak
From: "Micheal Rengers" [man in charge of making sure everything runs right!]
Date: Tue, November 16, 2004 10:51 am
To: SLC Community [ie, everyone!!]

The great oak in front of Westland's will be coming down the Friday,
Saturday and Monday morning after Thanksgiving. The canopy (upper part
of the tree) will be removed on Friday and Saturday and then on Monday
morning, November 29th a crane will be brought in to assist in the
removal the trunk. There is no parking in Westland's Lot from
Thanksgiving until the tree trunk is removed on Monday.

Please join us to honor and celebrate this great tree on Friday
(November 19). Starting at sunset, 4:34PM, we will gather on the path
between the Siegel Center and Reisinger. At 4:45 we will walk together
to the tree. There will be paper and pencils for you to make your own
blessing for the tree and you are welcome to bring any offering to the
tree that you wish. There will be a way to attach your blessings and
offerings to the tree. A reading by Al Green which will be followed by
a ceremonial burning of fallen leafs from the great oak. We will end
with a song.

With the wood from the tree we will be making two benches that will be
installed to the West of Westland's on the terrace, a student will be
making a drum from part of tree, a portion will be sliced and available
as a bid item at the scholarship auction, a sculpture will made from a
portion of the tree and a few large branches will be delivered to the
sculpture department for the making of art.

Any tree taken down at the college is replaced with two trees.

the geekiest thing i've ever done

Subject: a (ridiculously large) favor to ask
From: spepin@slc.edu
Date: Mon, November 15, 2004 10:37 am
To: sgard@slc.edu

Suzanne -
There is no good way to ask this question. Will you be my don? I already
have a plan for my life, so I won't make you nurture me through
existential crises! I just need a don who cares what I'm doing and if I'm
alive. And you don't have me in conference this week, so I don't need an
answer immediately. Please think it over. Thank you.
Sarah

ever hear the one about the liberal arts major who took an econ class?

economics assignment:
Instructions: Please answer both questions, Please staple all pages, All papers are due in class on Monday, November 22.

1) Explain using diagrams how neoclassical theory derives supply and demand curves for products and thus the market price. Carefully discuss the theoretical assumptions regarding consumer and firm behavior that determine the shapes of these curves. State precisely what happens when these assumptions are removed. Note that a good answer will not restrict itself to generalities but will show exactly what happens to the shapes of the demand and supply curves when these assumptions are rejected.
2) Explain in your own words how precisely prices are regulated by costs in the labor theory of value. What is assumed about firm behavior? Illustrate your answer with reference to relevant sections from Eric Schlosser’s Fast Food Nation. Do you think that any of the neoclassical theories of competition (perfect, monopolistic or oligopolistic) can describe the evolutionary nature of firm behavior discussed by Schlosser? Give reasons.

now tell me, DID THAT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE?????????

i THOUGHT not. i am so fucked i can't even tell you because i'm busy bracing myself for the horrendous, bend-over-and-grab-your-ankles, no lube, awful awfulness finishing out the semester in this damn class will be. and since i'm terrified of losing credit for it (i pretty much already know my grade will be awful), i can't even stop going (unlike *some* people). argh. kill me now. (if, by some insane chance, that DID make sense to you and you wanna help a sista out, let me know. because i'm DYING HERE.)

also, my bank account balance today: $5. yep. not kidding.

quote of the week: I don't need anyone to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves. -- Shirley Maclaine

my "most profound relationship" (with myself, don't get any ideas), despite the things mentioned above, has been going quite well. when i'm feeling better i promise to post about buying gifts for TWIL's BF, which was a hilarious, pie-related experience. also how i fucked myself over with my komozi conference. my exploits this week have been stunning in their awful-sitcom quality. but i hung out with/talked to TWIL every day from wednesday til yesterday, which was nice, we're becoming friends, i can never let her read this because it makes me look like a grade-A psycho. which i just might be. (she needs a new code name, any suggestions?)

anyway, i'll be back later when i'm not hyperventilating about this econ assignment, my K conf, getting someone to cover me at work so i can visit my wife, and being ridiculously poor. it may take awhile.

we are all fucked

and not in an awesome, break out the dental dams and lube! kind of way. arafat's dead and ashcroft's resigned and rehnquist is about to kick off. but, DUI is no longer a deportable offense. sort of. which is nice, sort of.

my last post was cheating as i mostly didn't write it. i don't want to write this post either.

suffice it to say i survived my midterm poetry reading, so now the biggest hurdle is writing my komozi conference paper. and someone, or lots of someones, should ask me for sarah's info and tell me to call nelson!! call call call!!!

here's some delectable poetry. actually, the first bit is just the best, most popular title i ever wrote.

For the pot-smoking Jehovah’s Witness who was the same height as me and had the exact same favorite shirt except mine was a couple of sizes bigger because I had breasts and curves and Things He Didn’t. Because he would get a kick out of having a poem named after him.

yep, that is now the title of a poem. and this next poem is for all of you, but mostly Thomas.

Celibacy
Throughout history
The ugliest people
Have been loved.
Why then can I
Not get laid on a Saturday night?

tree hugging hippies!!

sarah lawrence is ranked #3 on princeton review's list of Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians. maybe e-mails like this are why.

November 8, 2004
To: The College Community
From: Micheal Rengers [head of Operations and Facilities]

In August the college horticulturalist (Ani Adishian) told me about her concern that our signature tree, the large oak that is part of the flower bed on the south side of Westlands, was severely compromised and needed to come down. She had already consulted with the arborist who works with the college, who completely agreed with Ani. Since this is a major part of our campus, we engaged the services of Buddinghtree Consultancy to test the tree and give an opinion. After extensive testing, it was reported that there is a great deal of rot within the tree and strongly recommended that the tree be removed. The tree is so compromised that there is a risk of it falling or a limb falling - in either case a potential damage to humans and Westlands. The Physical Facilities Committee of the Board of Trustees has reviewed the reports and approved the removal of the tree. Weather permitting the tree will be removed during the Thanksgiving break.

[here's the part that got me:]

I know that there are generations of students, faculty and staff who have lived and worked near this magnificent oak tree and will be as sad as I am that it must be cut down. I hope that this notice will give you the time you need to say your goodbyes.

election

tonight i write the same words as hundreds of thousands of other americans, of women, of concerned people around the globe.

i am deeply saddened by this contrastrophe. and no, i don't mean my guys losing. they weren't even really my guys, i didn't love them, i don't love mainstream politics in general. but you know, i AM pretty damn fond of america, and i have no idea what happened to it.

i can't decide if the majority of americans exhibited extreme hate or stupidity yesterday. in some way, i deeply want to believe it was stupidity. i want to think they just believed the wrong media outlets, listened to presidential lies, and fucked up. but there are too many of them for that. they have had too long and faced too much evidence to not realize the truth. so they must have recognized it and not cared.

this is what a vote for bush yesterday will mean in the coming years: (please read this if you think what happened yesterday and early today is no big deal. if you're as horrified as me, feel free to skip it.)

an erosion of choice. you all better stop having heterosexual sex (or not start, as the case may be), because if the female party gets pregnant, a legal and safe abortion will not be in her future. don't get me wrong, abortion is harrowing and the prospect of needing one frightens me. but abortions happen whether or not they are legal, the difference being that women are more likely to suffer serious medical consequences when abortion is illegal.

a vote for bush means more soldiers will die. we aren't going anywhere in iraq, we all know it. shrub cut troop pay and benefits. the people who come back damaged from fighting a traumatic war will not receive proper health care. who knows where he'll get us bogged down next.

social security is gone. cockamamie schemes or not, it's gone. start saving for your retirement now. health care costs will probably continue to skyrocket, as will drug prices.

oh, yeah, and all of us in college? this administration is gearing up to make it harder for us to pay for it. talk to any teacher, they'll tell you No Child Left Behind is a lie, it's a sham, it's not working for our kids.

PATRIOT acts I & II will be sitting pretty and probably enshrined in the constitution. don't even get me started on the gutting of the environment.

skip to here: on top of the attack on choice, sending more soldiers to die, lack of healthcare, the death of social security, the erosion of education, and kissing goodbye to civil liberties, on top of all of that, last night millions upon millions of americans voted to forbid loving couples to get married.

please stop and imagine the immense amount of hate in that.

because of genitalia - just that and nothing more - millions of americans are forbidden from spending their lives the way they choose. they don't have power of attorney, they can't adopt or have children, they can't visit their partners in the hospital. every day. and yes, not being a full citizen is a big fucking deal. waiting years to receive your citizenship even though you were born an american and only made the mistake of being born gay (etc.) is a big fucking deal.

do you have any idea how much that hurts?

so yes, i am sad. not because i think kerry is awesome, not just because i think bush is a liar. but because of what americans have done. because of the statements they have made with their votes. americans think it's an issue of "moral values" and those "values" led them to discount and oppress millions of citizens.

if you are a woman, minority, queer, minor, senior, student or soldier, i am very sorry. i stand in solidarity and mourning with you.


(no, i don't hate republicans. i distrust fundamentalism in anyone, including the greens. i'm as mad at nader for running as i am at kerry for conceding, maybe more. i actually agree with some conservative - in the conservationist sense - principles. but bush and co no longer represent conservatives, or even the majority of republicans. the radicalnutsoreligiousrightneocon party now controls all three branches of government. that's what terrifies me.)