this has been a long time comin

dear C, ex-TWIL -

it sucks that our relationship has vanished, and i don't really blame myself.

i am not cool enough or activist enough or whatever enough to take up space in your life, to fit into your busy schedule. thank you.

if i could've made it better, if i could've improved it, i would've liked to know. and you, for all your professed honesty, didn't offer me anything. and if you didn't respect me - which is the vibe i got - you should've said it. when my friends do things i don't respect, i call them on their shit. similarly, if i'm *not* doing something and you can't respect THAT, then tell me. don't just spend a year confiding all of this shit in me and then . . . just stop. that's not fair. i really wanted to keep you around.

maybe i'm *not* cool or activist or whatever enough. maybe i am sitting on my ass in college. maybe i'm becoming more apathetic, not less. maybe i do feel a bit like my life is stuck in the mud and i can't wait for it to begin and MAN do i hope this feeling doesn't last beyond this semester, but if you recognize that, again, BRING IT UP. just don't leave me flailing about for an explanation. argh.

and it reinforced a notion i didn't need reinforced, namely that i can walk out of people's lives, and they won't care. that's a shitty idea that i have, and i've been trying to let it go, trying not to test my friends and the strength of my friendships but actually accept people, and then there you go and fuck up. grr.

also, it confirms a sneaky suspicion i had: that you talked to me just because i was there, just because i was around, and that you had 50 other friends who could've filled the exact same niche. i really, really didn't want to believe that, but now i kind of do. so much for the uniqueness of our friendship. but then, part of me is confused - it seemed like we were close, like in some ways i was different than the other 50. maybe that was a lie, maybe some other shinyshiny prospect has come along and you just forgot about me, or (i suspect this is it) your life took a turn or two that i didn't make with you, and you don't know how i could possibly fit in now.

i don't know, maybe my stupidity and ignorance became too much for you. for the record, i was not planning on using you to work out my shit: i'm a grown-up. you could've told me to shut my trap and that it was not your job to educate me or whatever if you felt it necessary. i feel like, through action or inaction, i offended you in some way, and i was never informed or given the opportunity to rectify that.

this sucks.

sarah